The Way to Love: The Last Meditations of Anthony de Mello
by Mello, Anthony de
Published: January 1, 1991
Read: September 2, 2021
Review
Contrary to what I thought when I picked this up, this is really not about romance, but really meditations on a way to live, a way to desire, and a way to be happy. Love is just the powerful, general vehicle. Short, sharp and very real. Several passages directly resonated with and illuminated my current problems. So dense and clear, my notes on the book are comparable to the book itself. While there is some repetition of the main ideas, there isn't fluff. Top book to recommend for anyone seeking a lasting happiness(everyone!). This book with its truth, importance, and density really makes me want to reread books like this rather than read new ones. Key Ideas: At any moment, you have everything you need to be happy. Unhappiness is caused by attachment, believing you need something to make you happy. "How many activities can you count in your life that you engage in simply because they delight you and grip your soul? Find them out, cultivate them, for they are your passport to freedom and to love." many more...
Notes
#Book by [[Anthony Demello]]
Chapter 1 profit or loss
Praised vs admire sunset. Worldly vs self fulfillment. Success vs flow. Power vs intimacy and group. Self glorification vs soul. Self glorification is not natural but produced by culture and produces thrills excitement and emptiness. Fame, success, power. Group of tourist on bus going through great country, Windows blinds down and tourists just arguing about who will have seat of honor on bus.
Chapter 2 disciplineship
Only one source of unhappiness, false beliefs. You don’t even think your perception distorted. Since you a can find very few people genuinely happy and free from anxiety or worry, should suspicion on beliefs. There is not a moment in your life when you don’t have everything you need to be happy. Happiness isn’t in the future. Happy will not come if you change your environment. Happy will not come if you fulfill your desires. List all your desires and attachments and know they will not bring you happiness, maybe excitement and pleasure. No one can tell you what happiness is. Understand your darkness and fade beliefs and you will find happiness. Family and possessions should not be renounced violently but just seen for false things they are a nightmare that brings you excitement and pleasure and anxiety, unhappiness. Father and mother, Wife, children, your life now, anything you cling to.
Chapter 3: the extra mile
If anyone forces you to go one mile, go two miles. - Matthew 41
Program of what you should want, need and value. Comes from culture, experiences that fed instructions into your computer. Insist it’s demands be met and let’s you be happy if you get it else suffer. It’s very difficult to change programming, but you don’t have to. See annoying person, and notice someone else wouldn’t be annoyed it’s just your programming. Then you can do anything. Real oppression isn’t from authority, but from your computer that has world not met your demands. When you are compelled to act, will arise from you not your programming.
Chapter 4 He went away sad
You have been programmed to be unhappy. Society taught you that you need people and things to be happy. Money, power, love, god. What’s your combination? Attachment is what you organize your life around and is exhausting. Gives you life of frustration and anxiety and brief happiness or rather flash of pleasure that you know will inevitably slip away. Anxiety caused by your attachments. To be genuinely happy you just need to be deprogrammed and get rid of attachments. Not painful if you have the sight to realize this all. Remember when you thought you would never be happy again, that was a lie. It’s a fantasy. Enjoy them without attachment. “I’m not really attached to you at all, I’m merely deluding myself into the belief that without you I will not be happy” this will help.
Chp 5 Eye of needle
Easier for camel to go through eye of needle than rich man get into heaven. You are already happy, your mind just causes unhappiness. One thing causes unhappiness, attachment. Attachment is emotional state of clinging. Belief that without some particular thing you can’t be happy. You get flash of pleasure followed by weariness, but also sense of dread.
. Just get rid of attachment by understanding three truths: 1) false belief you need it to be happy 2) Just enjoying things without attachment makes you enjoy them even more in peace 3) Enjoying the scent of thousands of flowers means the loss of one is no loss, so is attachment stopping you from developing tastes
Chapter 6 No where to go
If you want to be special to someone, you are asking them to restrict your freedom and must meet their interests or will cease to be special. It is worth. Bound to task of meeting expectations of this person so loss of freedom. Tell the person you will let them be themselves and think whatever they want. If you can say it sincerely, you will find all jealously and manipulation and loss fades away and they become special in the way a sunset is special. If you can’t, you reveal your toxic attachment. If you set them free, you are now ready to love. Clinging only creates chain for both of your.
Chapter 7 Bring in the poor
Whoever makes you uncomfortable. Prob poor or crippled. If you invite them on, you will learn something extremely valuable. To expand your heart and teach you about human nature. They are not responsible, even the evil are afflicted. You can even start to seek them out,
8 the blind see
If Love is blind, no love is the most clearsighred. attachments are blind.
Attachment, belief, and fears are the filters for all the info in the world. See everything in relation and threat to these attachments. To be in love, must be sensitive to notice all not some notes you care more about. Just like businessman only focused on money and doing and noticing things that could make money. You see people and things as you are, not as they are.
Chapter 9 Heaven at Hand
Think of when you had anxiety or depression or anger. It was from wanting something you don’t have, holding onto something you have, or avoiding something you don’t want. You became focused on this one thing and the banquet of life turned to ash.
Truth helps:
you can either be happy or attached. Isn’t it only your attachment(belief you can’t be happy without this) that is making you unhappy?
Your attachment came from a lie you told yourself or society told you, without this you can’t be happy. So many are happy without this. Where did this attachment come from?
Life is infinitely greater than this thing. You won’t remember it going forward. Haven’t you forgotten things in the past this bad, aren’t there many more opportunities?
If you heart resists, then attachments haven’t caused enough pain.
Chapter 10 what must I do?
You are listening to symphony and become attached to drums. Over a mere preference, you become attached. Then you enjoy it exclusively over everything, must be sensitive to everything. You can’t just renounce the drums, it’s as insensitive as focusing. Don’t say your friend makes you happy, it makes them want to please you again. Say when we met happiness arose, as no credit given and no attachment. You haven’t enjoyed each other but the symphony that arose when you were together. And the symphony can arise in more situations.
Chapter 11 No Stone will be left
Matthew 24 “there will be a stone in this church that won’t be torn down”
Habit, attachment, beliefs weigh your mind down. Layers of fat that slow you down. L1 Religion,L2 ideas if you have an idea of someone you don’t like that person you like the idea of that person, you slap a label on sweet, silly, dull. Now you have a screen. L3 habits must be limited to mechanics like riding a bike. Should never have habit of seeing or loving. Fisherman sees the same habit of ocean everyday, no freshness but same dull screen. L4 attachments and fears.
3 things to do
Realize your prison, most are conformists so are reformists trying to get slightly better living conditions. Need to be revolutionary
Contemplate the walls. Spend hours understanding your ideas, habits, and attachments without judgement and they will crumble just by looking.
Observe look for first time.
Most important, sit down and notice how your mind functions. Meditate.
Chapter 12 How to give
When you notice you are happy, happiness ceases. What you think is happiness is actually excitement about some person or event. True happiness is uncaused. Aware of holiness also becomes self righteousness. Effort can change behavior, it can’t change you. Can make you stay in bed, can’t perform sleep. Effort can provide service, not love. Change is from awareness and understanding. Understand your pride, and it will melt to humility. Understand fears and they melt into love. Cant aim for love, instead focus on the opposite. Happiness can’t be desired, if you do will be anxiety. Two sources of change: 1) ego try’s to push you to be content than you were meant to aiming to give itself a boost and glorify 2) wisdom of nature, aware ness and understanding. 1) is a technician that can’t be creative and produces rigid, violent, lifeless people.
Chapter 13 Serpents and Doves
“Be as wise as serpents and as innocent and doves.” Nature body heals us, brains try’s to improve. Do not go against nature, if not you are uncreative struck for trying to improve yourself against nature. If you fight against nature with your brain, you will be destroyed. Improve on nature in harmony with nature. Is your change forced on your nature to promote your ego, that is snake fighting dove. Instead be aware of your state and problems, don’t force ego desires leave reality for nature plans. That is perfect blend. Instead of bringing change with greed, ambition,guilt instead use loving acceptance and patience and painstaking understanding. If your body can talk, what would it say? While you ego is off chasing. How in touch are you with nature, trees, observe and contemplate and identify with her. Without nature, your soul withers from its life force and you become flabby.
chapter 14 men of violence
Rose is content being itself, unlike you which is programmed to be dissatisfied. Suffer when others change. You want to be more virtuous and closer to your ideals. Think of sad history of self improvement, failed or succeed with high effort and pain. Self understanding is the other way, to understand what you are you must have no desire to change who you are into something else. Open fresh awareness will transform you, change will occur from your nature not ego. Myschs are awaken to evil and could storm against forces.
Chapter 15 show no partiality
You have filled empty life with people. See how they control you with approval and disapproval and ease your loneliness. You spend almost every minute of your day pleasing people. Terrified to go against fashion. You can’t even imagine a life without them and think you would become an island without them. How can you live someone if you are a slave to them? How can you love someone you can’t live without? Love is found in fearlessness and freedom. First, need awareness seeing folly of ones dependence. But awareness is not enough for people, second, you must cultivate activities that you love and do for itself. Even without praise, just cuz they delight you. They are your passport to freedom and love. In our society, Here you can’t just enjoy music, you must create it and it must be known and praised. It must be sold. Value becomes in its success not the love of doing it. The cure for loniliness and loveless ness is not people but contact with reality. Freedom from people and so the ability to love them. Love springs from contact with the real not for particular thing or person. You must break loose from this inward dependence on people.
Chapter 16 One teacher
Life, love, god can’t be taught, they try to teach you a formula which will be hazardous filtered lens. No words to communicate experience. Not see reality but confirmation of formulas. Teachers can show you want is unreal and destroy formulas, can only point you in direction of reality not what you will see. You walk alone even without your formulas. Terrifying, unprotected with formula walk away. Makes you alone even with people. After you have seen, someone will try to verbalize it or derive meaning in words but shake your head. You will never again call anyone your teacher, and thus you will never cease to learn for all are teachers.
Chapter 17 become like children
“Unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter kingdom of heaven”
Child innocence don’t try to wear a mask. Punish child for the truth, and they begin to hide it from themselves and others. Is there someone you can be as innocent as a child with? Innocence is also lost when struck by desire to become someone famous or successful. Seek self glorification not self fulfillment. Is there a single thought or action in your life not aimed at being someone? Child surrenders to its nature lead by not instinct but awareness. See how you conform in actions and values. You lose innocence by aiming for Acceptance of society, courting applause, or compete and compare with others. Adult world Strive for success and fame.
Chapter 18 love one another
Can rose choose who to withhold sight from only giving to good not bad. Love is indiscriminate. Rose, lamp, tree. Nothing you can do or it would be phony. Instead, see that people aren’t saints and sinners, but unaware and ignorant. People can’t sin in awareness. If woman chooses man for the money, we would say she loves not the man but the money. How is it different if you seek people who give you emotional gratification and live up to your expectations. You could see love is actually greed. Love is unselfconscious. No thought if it’s benefiting others or not, roses gives off fragrance whether someone is there or not. Love is, has no object. Love dies with cohersion or conflict. Lamp will not force light on you even if you will stumble. Freedom is another word for love.
Chapter 19 Looking back
“No one one who puts his hand on the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of god” a bible
Love means to be sensitive to life and feel for all. Exclusion means hardening. Sensitivity is doing something for someone you will never know or be rewarded for like taking nail off road. Or feeling for community you aren’t in. This love is within you, but there are two blockers: belief and attachment.
Belief is conclusion about person or situation so you cease to see them or it. So and so is blank, you have hardened yourself and ceased to see this person anymore. Attachment starts with contact with pleasure, desire to hold onto it, conviction that you won’t be happy without it and you equate it with happiness. Cause insensitivity with anything that isn’t attachment as it’s your happiness your heart is there. Renunaction isnt solution to attachment, similar to clinging as you harden yourself. Instead enjoy everything, through hours of observing corrupt nature. Society is rotten to core, infected with attachment, seek attachments is considered productive members of society. How many so called respectable people have retained the gentle touch of love, that only in attachment can offer. Deely considering this should cause deep disgust.
Chapter 20 Love your enemies
Love makes you kindhearted and other will respond in kind. You will live in this kind world you created. Every time you are irritated look at yourself. Ask What does this irrattion tell me about myself. Perhaps the defects are ones you have yourself, almost always true. Be grateful this behavior lead you to self discovery. Not living up to expectations that have been programmed in you. Given someone’s background they couldn’t act any other way, if you really understand you see them as crippled not blame worthy. Why should they live up to your programmed standards?
Chapter 21 Tax Collectors and Sinners
Every thought is barrier to seeing reality. Idea women is not this women. Don’t see peasant women, see unique women. Judgement is good or bad or ugly or beautiful is barrier. When you are told you are beautiful, you either reject it or believe it and are elated. But you are wrong, you are you. When you are called beautiful, say this person given present perception and mood sees me as beautiful. This says nothing about me. Feel no emotion at feedback, what they say about you reveals more about them than you. Judgements based on your value systems you picked up. When someone says you are special to them, says nothing about you. Enjoying a compliment gives control of yourself to that person, you will go to great length to maintain this and worry he finds someone’s else. So you try to find others too. If you are wise, you will urge me to find more special people so you wont hold onto this special image I have of you. It’s not my image of you that you enjoy because that can change, you enjoy the moment. If you like the image you will be afraid of telling the truth and not meeting the image. Lost freedom to be laughed at and ridiculed. Broken through contemplation and see how being special is a limitation and even associate with sinners.
Chapter 22 be aware
People search for love as they believe it is the only thing to make life worth living. But they don’t know what love is. Love is awareness see how someone is now. Not how they were or are in your imagination. If not it’s the idea you have formed of them, not how they are. First ingredient is to really see them. Second is to really see yourself your motives, self seeking, your manipulation. Calling things by them by their name no matter how painful. A mind that sees and draws out appropriate response and know what love is. Gentle to uncompromising. Love born of sensitivity, not prefabricated principles but reality. Sensitivity of this level creates terror for tearing down your defenses. Like terror of dictator that really see plight of people. Most painful act is seeing. But where love is born or rather act of seeing is love. Your ego will try to blunt this. Try looking at someone you dislike and see your prejudice. See someone you cling to and look at your own futility and look at human behavior. Try gazing at wonder at nature.
Chapter 23 the mountain of prayer
You can only love when you are alone. Love is to see something as it really is. Most arduous thing a person can do, most would rather be mentally lazy than see everything anew. As child you were addicted to drug called success, appreciation. Terrified of losing it. Others now have power, your helpless. Living with them is never ending tension, your perception is clouded by need of your drug. When you are alone you want support and reassurance constantly. Perception clouded by need to get drug and incapable of love. Get off drug and though externally similar, internally you will be alone and dependency will die. Others is not to satisfy addiction now. Like asking drug addict to give up the only happiness he has known. Can you imagine life when you don’t enjoy approval or appreciation and depend on no one emotionally so no one has power to make you happy or miserable anymore. You will have nowhere to rest your head. That will be what it means to see without cloud or desire and you will know love. But you have to go through pains of death. To know, you must have died to their need and been alone. Need awareness and compassion like a drug addict. Need an activity where success or approval don’t mean a thing.