Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

by Levine, Amir

Published: December 30, 2010

Read: October 14, 2021

★★★★★

Review

This relationship tale really resonated with me and some friends. Many of those inconsequential, perplexing fights and damaging thought patterns are often a reflection of your underlying attachment style. In something as complex as relationships, its hard to even know why or how you feel. This charts out a illuminating lens with two axis of comfort with intimacy and anxiety about your partners love. Models how to recognize and treat the condition instead of just the petty arguments and actually gives a solid explanation of what a good, secure communication in relationships could look and feel like. Check in with me in a few years and we see how this goes.

Notes

#Book by [[Amir Levine]] and [[Rachel Heller]]

PDF Questionnaire of attachment styles of you and partner

Manage to turn fears of not being good enough to become a self fulfilled prophecy. After a few weeks, I lose interest and feel trapped. Marriage nothing to keep us together. Successfully women becomes helpless just waiting for her super busy boyfriend to call.

Mother child attachment theory. Relationships in adults similar to ones child have with parents.

Secure feel comfortable with infancy and are usually warm and loving. Anxious people crave intimacy and are preoccupied with relationship and worry about partners ability to love them. Avoidant equate intimacy to loss of independence and try to minimize closeness. Different types differ in view of internal, conflict, sex, and expectations. Everyone fails into these categories. 50% secure, 20% anxious, 25% avoidant, 5% anxious avoidant. Many studies across culture showing this theory.

We are programmed to act in preprogrammed manner. Used to be thought it was about how you were treated as a baby. Secure is parents responsive, inconsistent makes you anxious and distant makes avoidant. Now we know many factors including life experiences.

1/4 people do change attachment over 4 year period.

We have been breed to identify a few specific individuals and make them significant to us. Need to be near someone special. Mechanism of attachment system with protest behavior like crying. We treat it as absolute necessity. If dangerous, makes less sense to have only one person so be avoidant. Or be anxious and hyper vigilant.

No romantic behaviors are good or bad. Stay with someone not sure he loves you understandable. Say you want to leave then desperately want to stay, understandable. Secure got words without protest behavior.

Quickly assess attachment styles and understand how people live.

Dependency is not a bad word

She thought she was too needy to control emotional needs. Attachment means psychological and physical proximity. We are programmed to keep trying. If the guy knew he should just hold her hand, he would avoid problems later. He could have accepted the support sooner. People are only as needy as their unmet needs. If they are met, they turn their attention outward. More needs are met more independent they become. We live in culture that rejects dependency and everyone should be self sufficient. Used to think before attachment theory that child should be autonomous and not coddled. Even infants with all food showed stunted development and attachment necessary. Love quiz that choose three statements: I find it easy to get close to other and don’t worry about people getting close. I am somewhat uncomfortable getting too close and trusting. Others are reluctant to get as close as I would like, I often worry my partner won’t want to stay with me, I want to merge complete with another person.

Codependency relationships today are often similar to early child ideas. Everyone should have happiness from within themselves and stay even and too codependency. Ideal relationship is self sufficient people with clear boundaries. Once we become attached we regulate each other’s hormones and blood pressure. Women with highest marital sastification have very minimal stress response when holding hand with partner and receive electric shock. Dependency always exists . Human couple becomes one with huge vested interest is survival advantage. All attachments even avoidant have attachment needs.

Ability to step in world on your own can be enabled by knowing you have a partner always there for you.

Strange situation test, having attachment figure or secure base you can turn to in times of need allows kid to go out and explore. Child show this behavior and get upset when mother leaves.
Security lets us chase dreams.
When goals were supported by partner and talked about, reported increase in self esteem and likelihood of achieving their goals.

Finding the right person to depend on is important physiologically

Partner is supposed to be secure base in brain, physical contact reduces anxiety
If you have mild high blood pressure, marriage satisfied helps else it will not help
Live longer with partner constantly there, else can stymie our health and stunt our growth

part One Deciphering attachment styles

Chapter 3 what is my attachment style

Questionnaire with names behind it, modified:

6|7|1

Anxious|Secure|Avoidant

Anxious- relationships tend to consume a large part of your emotional energy. Get easily upset and say things you regret. With security, can feel content

Secure - enjoy being initinate without easily worries. Effectively communicate and strong and responding to partner. Share success and are there for mats.

Avoidant- independent and self sufficient very important, often prefer autonomy. Hate control or infringement by partner.

If you have 2, two axises for attachment style. Comfort with intimacy and anxiety about partners love. I think I crave intimacy but don’t have anxiety about partners love. Small percent of pop is uncomfortable with infancy and anxious about partner. Attatchment style, Defined by babies 9-18 month old. Anxious is very upset by mom leaving and reacts ambivalent to return and angrily pushes mom away after a few moments. Secure is distressed when mommy leaves, when back happy and goes back to playing. Avoidant doesn’t seem to care if mom leaves or returns. But heart rate and cortisol is just as high as distressed baby. Other people is harder to test. Instead of asking do they like me, you ask how much is this person capable of giving me what I need, intimacy? Anxious become very committed partners.

Golden rule

do they seek intimacy and closeness? If no it’s prob avoidant.
How sensitive are they in the relationship? And words you say? If yes, anxious
Many measures not one thing
Reaction to effective communication. Communicating will have secure respond well. Example for anxious. And avoidant will blow them off as it shows closeness

part 2 living with attachment in everyday life

Anxious attachment have very strong attachment signal recognition that will get activated if they think relationship in danger until it is cleared up. Anxious more acute to emotions in face. But also jump to conclusions faster. Only advantage when they waited a little longer and not snap judgement. They enact activating strategy, compels you seek closeness for partner. Avoidant partner turned her into an obsessed self. Minimal reassurance needed to reassert, but if not meet early can snowball. Meeting needs of partner early less energy needed later. Protest behavior, letting your attachment system get the best of them. Loitering, withdrawing, ignoring, keeping score on phone call or wait till their first move, acting hostile, threatening to leave, acting or pretending to be busy, trying to make them jealous, making plans to get together for lunch, telling them about someone who hit on your. Used to get their attention. Heartache is all about longing for someone you are programming to win back, even if your rational mind.

Rest of this chapter is about single anxious which is all about seeking a secure person. Avoiding pitfalls on the way. Next one is about rethinking relationships. One research showed avoidant prefer anxious people. Anxious women are more likely to date avoidant men. They actually complement each other, as they confirm relationship views. Avoidant has someone want to pull them in, anxious are let down and relationship is at risk and reenact familiar. Equate activate attachment system with love. Mostly pain and then high elation. True love is peace of mind. Avoidants tend to end relationships more, and get over partners more quickly . Therefore you are more likely to meet avoidant in relationship. Secure usually don’t go through that many partners take a long time to reappear in dating pool. One study didn’t find one avoidant avoidant. When you meet someone new, avoidants are very high. Secure less in pool and avoidant don’t date each other so avoidant date anxious. Don’t let emotional instability turn you on. Secure will give you closeness and won’t push you away. You are viligant for relationship slights, they are stable. You use protest behavior, they do their best to read your verbal and nonverbal cues. Dating advice is to play hard to get, appear strong and self sufficient. But they make you seem more attractive to avoidant, as you ignore your needs and let them set relationship. But eventually you need to let down your guard.

acknowledge your relationship needs for infancy, security and they are real. Don’t feel ashamed of being needy
Rule out avoidant. Look for smoking guns, mixed messages, wants the one, disregards emotional well-being

many anxious try to give distance and hide their discontent. But if you express needs let’s you be authentic self and be happier which makes you more attractive. Abundance, don’t settle on one. Many charming intelligent people. One night of sex or kiss and you could be attached if anxious. Will do anything in power to make it work even if you don’t know them. Hard evidence some people find her attractive.

Give secure people a chance, don’t make impulsive decisions. You might feel bored at first. Calmness in the relationship as lack of attraction.

Attachment sterotyping, many men aren’t avoidant. Most women are secure and many men are anxious. Women can be avoidant. Majority is secure. No one has more to gain from attachment theory than anxious.

Keeping love at aims length-avoidant

Avoidant idealize life of self sufficiency and look down on dependency. Less sastified in your relationships. Hostile, skills other than collaborative were better at competition. Attatchment theory says need for physical and emotional need is universal. In study looking at words flashing on screen as a proxy for how readily available that concept is, Avoidant saw need faster, but lower saw separation and loss. Distracted by tasks they saw everything just as fast as others. Faced with stressful life event like divorce, birth of disabled child, military trauma act just like anxious. One avoidant thinks he will always be smarter than partner and upset. One is looking for perfect partner. Deactivitating strategy used to squelch intimacy and suppress needs. More you use the more alone you feel.

Saying you aren’t ready to commit, but staying together for years.
Not calling,
forming relationship with someone who can’t never commit or married,
not physically close, walk ahead
The power of the one.
Surge of negativity of partner could be deactivating strategy.
Assuming the worst intentions
Conclude you aren’t in love enough, person protest convincing you.
You believe The one will have you effortlessly connect on different level.

Self reliance belief score lost on every measure of closeness in personal relationship, less comfortable with intimacy. Self reliance focuses on need of partner, Miss Joy of feeling part of something bigger than yourself. Girl thought it would never work with X, but he was patient and kind and once broken up found herself more depressed and thought back as best she ever had. Only after not threatened by intimacy do you remember correctly. Avoidant rated partners as worse. Decide they need to deal with their own emotional well-being.

Two trickest tools to avoiding love, the phantom X

True longing for someone in your past
The right person is just around the corner, he or she is just not good enough

When partner hears you longing for ex, you think they want true closeness but really they are driving them away. Once at a safe distance, the feelings of love and admiration are gone. Threat of intimacy is gone and you no longer feel need to suppress true feelings and love returns. Pay tribute to love of your life, sometimes you start vicious cycle of getting closer than withdrawing. Sometimes even if they are available, don’t make attempt to get back together. This is a deactivating strategy.

People think reason for their dissatisfication is outward. 8actions will get you closer to intimacy:

Learn to identify deactivating strategy. If you really liked someone then that changed, think about it
Deemphasize self reliance, focus on mutual support. More independent
Find secure partner, makes you more secure. Anxious exacerbate attachment style.
Be aware of tendency to misinterpret behaviors, negative views of partners behaviors and intentions infuse bad vibes. This is your partner, believe they have your best interest at heart
Nix phantom ex, he or she was not a viable option. Look at how anxious you were at commuting
Don’t believe in one. You need to make them into your soul mate by making them a special part of you
It’s easier to get close to a partner if you are distracted like carnival or meal

Getting comfortably close, secure attachment

Consistent, reliable, and trustworthy. Less drama or yo-yos. Attuned to partner.

Secure buffering effect.

Best predictor of happiness in relationship is secure attachment style. High levels of commitment and trust.
No difference observed between secure and mixed couples. Secure nurture insecure to more secure
Can you recognize secure by their charm, extroversion, or style? No

Secure have more unconscious access to love, hugs and closeness and less to danger loss and separation. Secure continued to overlook danger even when distracted. Don’t have to make an effort to repressed, they are just not worried. When explicitly told to think about loss do get threatened, but when they stopped recover well. Great conflict busters, don’t feel need to act defensively or injury or punish their partner. Not threatened by criticism. Not game player, want closeness and believe others want the same so why play games. Seek intimacy. Quick to forgive and partners intentions are good. Sex and intimacy are together. Treat partner like royalty. Responsible for others wellbeing. Secure life is fundamentally different. No Relationship dance where one partner gets closer while other distances to keep distance in relationship. Secure creates emotionally protective shield for outside world. People with insecure partners will tell you secure partners are world of difference. Weak correlation between attentive mothers, secure and easy temperament, marital satisfaction, genetic. Romantic experience too. 25-30% change attachment style, rest are consistent. Really impactful relationships can shock you either way. Secure have a lot to lose, insecure have a lot to gain. 3 behaviors underlie secure base:

be available, respond to their distress sensitively. Checking from time to time.
Don’t interfere. Help behind the scenes, leave them with feeling of power
Encourage and boost their self esteem

Secure believe there are many possible partners. If someone inconsistent, then not interested. One girls says Don’t play games, guys call back the next day immediately and screen out those who don’t. Disrespect is reflection of them, not her. Secure are indeed less likely to play games.

Best tool: Effective communication, say feelings and see if partner shows true concern and middle ground.

Secure tools:

Spotting smoking gun early.
effective communication
Many potential partners good for you
Expect to be treated with dignity and love

Secure can get along with all attachment styles if you maintain state of mind. Dating insecure makes them more secure. Detect emerging distress. Sometimes secure can be in bad relationships not only by inexperience but also continuing to give partner benefit of the doubt and tolerate their actions. Secure think trouble is just a phase and everything would return to normal and didn’t want to abandon her. Shelly decides to leave and he is happy she left in the end. Secure view partners well-being as important, most likely to forgive their partner for wrongdoing and dwell less. Usually have healthy instincts, not sure when to call it quits if they feel responsible for their partners well-being. If you start to play games or less trusting of it agitated or worried, then watch out. Just cuz you can get along doesn’t mean you should. Super mates of evolution.

Part 3 when attachment styles clash

Anxious avoidant trap

Always fight about washing machine in Manhattan. Janet always goes to sister to do washing clothes on Sundays. James wants to be closer. Separate beds on vacation argument. Naomi hasn’t Unfriended ex girlfriends, Kevin tells her she is jealous. Conflict is closeness and committed. Could be secure and avoidant. But especially bad with anxious and avoidant. Threat of intimacy starts to dominate relationship, exercerabate insecurities. Anxious try to get close when threatened, the avoidant try’s to get far. So anxious make the avoidant avoidant.

Rollarcoaster- Avoidant gets close and then you get so close it’s a great high. Closeness makes avoidant want to run.
Avoidant feel strong when their partner feels weak by contrast
Stable instability- long time but element of uncertainty exists as you can’t find intimacy you are both comfortable with
Fights about things that don’t matter about minor problems, about intimacy
Life in inner circle as enemy. When you are the closest to them, you are treated worse not better

Things don’t usually get better. Intimacy needs spill over all the time in shared life. Sleep together, raise children, so many things. Resolution of problems often brings people closer together, uncomfortable for avoidant who wants to remain distant. Anxious loses more and more ground, talk and act extreme. Then protest to leave, once gone flooded with positive emotion and in worse position.

How to improve relationships?

Security priming, reminding them of secure experiences they have had. Inspired by secure role model. Can be parent or friend, but need secure way of dealing with people. Attitude towards pets is great, don’t hold grudge, greet them even after rough day. Look over traits you want to adopt. What we remember is changed every time you remember? Our present affects our past. Look in past from attachment perspective.

Attachment worksheet

Common anxious:

that’s it, he or she is leaving me
All or nothing thinking, I’ve ruined everything
They can’t treat me this way
They better come crawling back
Maybe if I’m seductive things will work out
I have to talk or see her right now
They are so amazing, why would they even like me
Emotions- sad, humiliated, hostile, guilty, self loathing, uneasy
Actions: establish contact at any cost, threaten to leave, look disdainful, withdraw physical, act manipulative
Activating strategies
- Mistaken activated
- Pedistral
- Feeling small
- Seeing only positive after a fight
- Addicted to high and lows

Avoidant:

all or nothing, I knew they weren’t right
Overheneralize- I knew I wasn’t made for this, now I have do everything x way
If she was the one, no problem
Phantom x wouldn’t have happened
Fantasize about sex with others
So needy it’s pathetic
Emotion: pressure, despairing, self righteous, contempt
Actions: critical, withdraw mentally or physical, ignore
Deactivating strategy:
- Put partner down
- Assume malicious intent
- Ignoring positive
- Disregard partner emotional cues
- Phantom x

Secure

wear heart on sleeve with courage and honesty
No generalizations

Turn to someone that knows your tendencies to help. Thinking of you message when guy thought of it saved back and forth throughout the day. Find ways to have fun together and make time to be physically close. One professor says best way is noticing you are emotionally dependent on someone. Avoidant can make you feel unattractive as you think they would treat other person differently. Looking at these small fights as part of something larger that’s itresolvable. If you are in new relationship and already intimacy collision think long and hard about if it’s worth all the concessions you have to make.

When abnormal becomes the norm: breakup

Figured since we are dating so long, figured we should get married and pressured him into it. Divorce, fun spending time with him after divorce and when he become rude she left. Avoidance often use sex to distance themselves. Avoidant more likely to cheat. Anxious like kissing and caressing. Avoidant might like just sex act, or fantasize to deactivate. Avoidant have less sex especially if anxious partner. In story, Most people thought avoidant was really nice but he is worst to those in inner circle. Signs you have become the enemy:

Embarrassed to tell others how they treat you
Surprised when others say how kind mate is
Partner consults others rather than you
Uncertain partner will be there in emergency
Surprised when they considerate to friends

Inner circle for secure , royal

Well-being comes second to non
Feel admired and protect
Closeness rewarded with more
Confined in first
Your opinion matters most

Rebound mode.

evolved to be Discouraged from being alone.
Breaking a leg similar to breaking up in brain.
Overwhelmed by positive times and think of nothing but getting back together.
Just being in same room can relieve all anxiety.

Need to serve each need of your attachment system. Get in safe familiar place, eat chocolate, talk to friends. To avoid becoming too close begin deactivating process, look at negative parts of partner and can get you through phases.

Surviving a breakup

ask what life is like in inner circle, royalty or enemy
Build support network ahead of time . Start to open up about relationship
Find comforting supportive place to stay for first few days to not rebound
Attachment met in other ways, exercise, healthy food
Don’t be ashamed if you go back to ex, be compassionate about yourself so you don’t feel bad about yourself as it activates attachment style
Pain is real, find ways to pamper your broken leg
When you get flooded with positive memories, ask friend about how things really were
Deactivate, write down all the reasons you wanted to leave
Know pain will pass

Part 4 The secure way

Effective communication

Express needs and expectations in direct manner to avoid getting strung along by someone’s agenda. Uncover attachment style. Asking for kiss for example. Response to direct communication is great to test relationship very fast. If they don’t understand and try to find middle ground, then problematic. If you need to be reassured, state it as a given and you’ll seem not needy but self confident and assertive. Openness will be mirrored.

Reply factual or emotional too

If partner is defensive, makes you feel foolish or needy, question relationship. Insecure often can’t actually know what is bothering them. Men who dated anxious partner reported communication as lower. Acting out and protest behavior instead of effective communication. Partner responds and you don’t know if it’s a response to protest behavior or your real problem. Never heard someone regret raising important issue, either hero’s relationship or gets you closer to relationship goals. Pushing issue let’s someone let you down faster. Girl says she wants kids as soon as possible. Avoidant often feels need to get away, so you think it’s not working. Avoidant should acknowledge they need time alone.

In effective communication, if you are ignored then you learn a red flag based on real interaction. Smoking gun. Do I need to surface everything, so many? Just do it initially and you should have less problems. If you are about to protest, then stop and use effective communication. Its never too late to use effective communication. 5 principles of effective communication:

wear heart on your sleeve, be emotionally brave
Focus on your needs and their as well, need feel want about I
Be specific
Don’t blame or highlight shortcomings, can’t be on verge of exploding
Be unapologetic about them especially if anxious

Miranda Law, what they have a right to expect when you date. Resolved to show what you expect.

Can write script about what you want to effectively communicate.

12 working things out, 5 secure principles

People think conflict shouldn’t exist in relationship, but no. All couples fight, about how you disagree and what about. Can be opportunity to get closer.

Bread and butter conflicts. Temperature, food. Good because learn to comprise, we live best in relation to others. 5 specific actions to dissolve conflict:

show basic concern for others well-being

Other persons well-being is as important as your own.

Maintain focus on topic on hand

Secure better able to understand partner and quickly and effectively recognize needs.

Refrain from generalizations

Don’t spill into other areas. No disparaging remarks

Be willing to engage

Physically and emotionally present

Effectively communicate feelings and needs

Explain why you want something like to feel needs perhaps. Instead of just the minute

OxyContin strengthens attachment and increases trust and cooperation. Cuddle and orgasm increase it. Forgoing closeness misses OxyContin boost and cuddling in morning can immunize relationship for conflict.

Anxious and avoidant tend to withdrawal and less secure tactics.

Sensitive topics like children should always be on table. Don’t bury.

Single fight isn’t relationship breaker. Express fears like partner will reject them. Don’t expect them to know what they are thinking. When in doubt, ask.

Insecure strategies:

Getting sidetracked
Neglecting to effectively communicate
Personal attacks
Tit for tac
Withdrawing

First need to recognize effective or ineffective. Recognize distress rather than accusations. Invite to group event. Mia saying hey did you not wanna spend time alone with me I don’t bite? Guy is like ok whatever. Both insecure, Mia too much like an attack.

Epilogue

73% willing to sacrifice majority of goals in life for a romantic relationship.

Movie about girl who told guy she didn’t want anything serious but to be free spirit. Entire movie you think maybe she opens up to girl. Guy loses in end and she marries. Even audience believes in love story. Misconceptions:

many different compacity to intimacy.
Marriage is be all and end all, happily ever after. Love and marriage won’t make all relationships work
Both couple are responsible for emotional needs. If they tell you in advance have no one but yourself to blame.

Not boy meets girl story but avoidant meets anxious. Attachment needs are legit. Remain true to authentic self don’t play games.