My Body

by Ratajkowski, Emily

Published: November 9, 2021

Read: February 20, 2022

★★★★★

Review

Emily isn’t an intellectual with some deep understanding. But she approached this book the best way she could, not to explain ideas but to explore them. Gives some visceral insight into what being a beautiful women, identifying and valuing yourself as one feels like. The power dynamics of modeling and inner narratives justifying it. The deep rooted, yet nonsensical toxic ideas she is still working through and the experiences that might have shaped it. A kind of raw emotional perspective that I deeply respect she was willing to share. More emotional than explanatory, but important nonetheless.

Notes

#Book by [[Emily Ratajkowski]] Intro

2013 blurred lines, she was dancing almost naked at 21
Eye popping mysgonist
At time, She didn’t think it was anti feminist, women should find it empowering
Mostly younger women found it refreshing, isn’t telling her what to do with her body
Baby women essay about her body, humiliation was when middle school teach snapped bra strap.
Shaming them is the issue, why are they asked to cover up
Don’t dress like that from dad with pink Lacey top and push up bra at 13, when they were going to nice restaurant. Embarrassed though
Got good validation from men on street and at school
Cousin 20 years senior rushed into room breathless when she was left alone with male friend,she didn’t understand but kinda of knew the way he leaned back hips jutting forward and mouth crooked smile
Male desire is it something to be afraid of or ashamed of
She looks at that time and thinks it misses more complicated picture - Commodifabke asset she had, life and career off it. Might as well do it on her own terms #status
Made so much money and fame and millions of followers - Felt objectified as sex symbol, in cis Hetero Patric hatch where beauty and sex valued through satisificsiton of male gaze #status
Hasn’t been true empowerment until she writes this book
This book will examine the relationship with her body and will not give answers but explore ideas and mirrors like men and women and images beauty lesson - Mother said “You were such a beautiful baby, but not as beautiful as me as a a baby”
Same convo on set with beauty team, “what ethnicity?” “Is your mom beautiful?”
Girls use it to sound exotic 13% this etc etc. she just says she’s a white girl
My mom is more beautiful, people get uncomfortable
Mom hourglass like Elizabeth Taylor
Look very similar with some child hood photos side by side
She prayed when young for beauty
Her dad was pianist musician at juliierad, he said here mother hasn’t done anything and shouldn’t just say thank you when complimented
Charopenes thought her dress was too sexy, mom always said she should be proud and never wanted her to think her body or beauty was too much
Seemed important to parents she was beautiful and people always told her she should model
Just walking into Front door has photo of her modeling
Model card with measurements near dads desk - Beauty is way to be special, when special she felt parents love the most
Denim first modeling thing,
Mother loved to tell her about when men looked at her
“ that boy looked at you when you stood up” - what did he see??
But she thought beauty taste from men was unrefined
Marilyn Monroe and Jennifer Lopez wasn’t beauty, there were women men found appealing and true beauty.
Nothing, men like her, beautiful
“Not a beauty”, “not pretty but nice figure”
Dad like to say “she has my heart and soul” and that about it
Age 3, she told mama they are just jealous. How was she aware of competing and that being comforting at that age
Is she overrated? Way prettier irl? Collects data from Instagram in likes
After sex with first boyfriend when he described other bodies he had sex with and she got super nervous he would find anyone more attractive then her
As a young woman, hating receiving compliments and she became uncomfortable. She was a model
Beauty conflated with specialness and love #status
Mother talks about two young men approaching and she straightens and feels invisible to them now
There so many beautiful women in the world, hurts to hear father say it
So many types of fruit
She wants to stand up and say she hates women that compare themselves to others

blurred lines

got stomach ache and lost 10 pounds and kept it off because more shoots
Clients could make her look anyway they want, all these changes were for money
Be someone else a few times a week
Middle aged photograph
Lingerine and swimsuits paid more, so rare to be skinny and fill out a bra
Lived in arts district
“Aren’t I too short for New York?” Meet with VS and SI, receptionist asked if she wa there for casting so she does look like a model
Take off your clothes in the corner in VS
Agency don’t like shorts “can you take them off” “of course” now we can see your hips and how small you are we will be in touch
SI do you smile? We like girls who smile. “I can see your pussy” staring at her crotch with her tights and she withhold her tears
Wasn’t interested in fame, only money but in NYC she felt a little of the potential for power
#Thicke red lipped naked girls tits Bush and break rules
Crazy prop for sensual visual power and female director
But music video barely paid more than e-commerce, and director messaged her to talk
Mostly all women behind this, not slutty pretty
Naked at least topless
“Do you feel comfortable after all the see through stuff for sfw? “ felt like part of the team
Dance ridiculously like for her girlfriends
Quick intro and she was a prop they were talent
Robin had alcohol breath and was energetic
Pharrell and el smiled after they were topless
Whole world saw her roll her eyes
People recognized her on the street
She was secure in her body and nakedness and don’t feel like it was missy gnomic
Fame gave her appearance like showing up and sponsored posts which made so much more money
She didn’t like thicke mentioned ai Eth her name when she just did it for money and didn’t represent her
She was famously sexy and so probably most powerful women in the room, famous men hit on her, so much money
Read for lines for actress and she felt they thought she was a dumb piece of la ass in front of men to make decisions
She was blocked against Thicke, and she remembered
he came a little drunk and didn’t really enjoy himself and they were alone and she was just wearing thong
He cupped her bare breasts from behind
Director yelled out are you ok and she walked away and felt naked, not one said anything and said no touching
No position to hold him accountable he hired
Remembered he was the one in charge
Women who gain position for beauty actually owe it to the men whose desire grant them the power #status

My Son, Sun

I was 14 when Owen forced himself on her,
owen was 16 told her to lie and she thought he was ticket to status and new life but really he didn’t have many friends himself
Nose blood on top of her
Didn’t feel safe but home didn’t feel safe either, he was real world
Owen in empty parking lot thought she should kiss back since he had taken her to a few parties and fumble in her pants
Someone should have said she doesn’t owe them anything
Comforts Owen, she didn’t want the part of the girlfriend
Other popular girls didn’t like Owen and she agreed
When she got away , he kept texting and was outside in street and she felt bad when 14
15 went drinking with rich friends with parent not home who weren’t her friends
Started throwing up and Owen came to claim her
She woke up with him on top of her and made noises for enjoying sex
She didn’t tell anyone, years later Owen said another girl accused him of rape and heroin. Girl very drunk and woke up ther with Owen taking advantage of her and family pressing charges
I wishi could Say I didn’t want that
19 when she learned Owen died, mix of loss and relief
Owen went to concert with tickets already bought to show she didn’t fall prey to manipulation, she was an adult
Can’t believe she went to that concert with him, she didn’t deserve to be safe and didn’t feel like hero

toxic

16 had regular unprotected sex with boyfriend without orgasm once, pot everyday, model in la
Same year as toxic shaving her head
Went to academy with dad
Surf team with popular girls going to watch
Dad was lax and was pot head and enjoyed chill name so came late with pot
First day thin red dress with push up bra, yo that’s rad daughter and she’s hot and modes so status as attractive girl
She got invited to lunch off campus with surf boys with pretty popular girls took attention and Sady took attention
Sady started modeling too, only year older
Would play fight in street with most drunk and some took opportunity to hurt her and wanted challenge
She would cry and chase after guy
Outside made sense as friends, alone didn’t make sense what did she want
She knew how to act and laugh and shoplifted
Britney shaving head, destroying her idol, this was different
Britney lost virginity to Justin Timberlake
Other pops were competitors like Christina Aguilera and Madonna were for kissing
Middle school got breast’s and long legs and people went up to her she should really consider modeling
Mother once barked back she will be brain shrgeon
After 13, mother said it was her decision and she decided around toxic song
Toxic is her with scantly clad and older men on plane
Girls who are hot got most attention - Author really likes taking about what she is specifically wearing and what it would feel like, I’ve omitted it in the notes but she really noticed and remembers…
Britney when she shaved her head said she didn’t want anyone touching her and did it herself everyone was always touching her
She stayed with Sadey and her bf Mike often
One night she woke up with Mikes hands on her nipples which were out of her shirt and she was looking at Sadey
Complimented? Make Sadey jealous, maybe she was into it. Sadey would blame her
Always wear bikini under outfit
“We always know which girls are having sex by their pictures” - she was the sexy one
“I don’t ever recall liking modeling”
Lucky if photographic evidence of her value
College vs full time model, model career over 30 but they are right - Women can’t keep winning
Got period blood on house they were breaking into
Sadey handled it

because hello Halle berry

Suits don’t sell as well if no photo of her in it
S was once embarrassed about insta, but often asked him to take her photo
Whenever sexy pic, wave of new followers would arrive
Drawn to oerexposed, making herself big gives security wear the most revealinghave the strongest opinion be the biggest
Be target Somehow being attacked gives her sense of more power
Paid to vacation in Maldives
791k likes
most recent comment “men like mystery, stop showing your body and maybe someone will start listening to you”
She wanted to be a respected by other things besides her body, she felt bad for selling body in pictures
Using sexuality for security is common
Hannah black audio recording is her favorite art, famous black saying my body over and over again
Halle berry is hot but made herself pop igly to get Oscar - My looks haven’t spared me one hardship
It’s not true for any women, my whole life would be different if my ass would tighter if I made msyself more appealing to men
Rachel met for clothing company, liked her and she was chirpy charming all,
Dad was great famous actor, stylist said as she left “of course daddy’s famous”
Never missed social cues
Kim thought she was in White House and got bikini, doesn’t help she has to go back
Why does it all seem so reactive
Money means power and anyone who participates is equally bad, but did she have power
She felt trapped, my boys

K-Spa

many foreigners, no jeweler and $30 admission means no way to tell who is rich or poor
Different breasts from non, scars,
most women come alone and keep top themselves
No bathing suits or phones on sign
Etique, is Don’t make eye contact or look at someone’s body this is not to be judged
Korean clean their bodies and are the experts here
She had never taken care of herself that well - Cleaning Boyd is not pleasure but concession to social expectations that you do for others as dirty is unfemine #status
Avoid dentist for 7 years
But worried about her teeth
Generally ignored body and pain, wanted control
She is one with her body only during sex
She likes to look in mirror when fucking husband to see she’s real and return
Cum she exists in her body
Body is tool, but not like athlete. Her body is ornament used for decoration
Spa is about maintence, not about self conscious
She disassociated when her body is being observed, like her body isn’t her - Overexposing is safest, strip down so you can’t be stripped further. over share so secrets can’t be used against you
Always change wherever you can as model in a corner as timer, also way for client to show power
Others will just wait for you strip in front of them, Time for you to do your job, usually they don’t look away
They wouldn’t do it
She just strips like it doesn’t matter and stares at them like what this is it
Her agent was straightforward
At dinner with agent, she wore long dress with really tight belt to show her small waist
She mentioned laps, it’s heaven and not expensive
Gynecologist, bled during sex like a week before period
Stuck something up her and she clenched and was like I don’t think it’s pain, felt bad she couldn’t control her body as she tightened
Victims of sexual assault seize up with gynec
But she also hates being looked at so intimately and not being control as she opens herself up
In other places like model or gyno, power makes her body feel like not hers, but they do in kspa all women and stopped down undergarments. Don’t evaluate you
Kspa let’s her actually relax
Scrapes all of skin
Soap
Hit back twice and you shower
Towel and oil across you
No special treatment or attention, just done to all
Brush hair
Puts bra on and body returns to being judged
No one has ever recognized her from spa

The woozies

dad took great pride in the house he made with historian and architecture
She sometimes woke to her parents fucking and more often fighting
Parents were on off until she got pregnant
they would often fight and ask child to help between
Child with no emotional boundaries become great at shapeshifting between feeling special and alone and saving and destroying those they love
Woozies was anxiety in her belly
Moms depression went away when she was born
Mom said her and father would kill themselves if Emily died
Father always joked about dying, but mother had worse health problems
Mother got worse hip problems and got more depressed and confused
Cancer in hands leads to probable organ failure, 60
She wanted her husband to feel her pain too
Stopped taking care of house

Transactions

2014, billionaire behind wolf of Wall Street would pay 25k for Emily to go to Super Bowl with him
Just insanely rich and other celebs would be there
Manager would come too as buffer, no other expectations right?
Joe lo
Two other famous models from vs and a few male actors
Came last and sat in back on bus, escorted by police
Emily liked paying on dates so she didn’t feel like she owed anything
She didn’t like clubs as someone always seemed to be groping her, only spent a few nights there
Invited in la with friend
Underage models and Sasha greeting mid 30s in private dining room
Left all this uneaten food and jumped in SUV
Many men age 40 already in SUV, one man put hands on fiancée of women just a few years old than her
Men kept offering cocaine and bottlers and grabbed bodies and pumped fists
She just stayed at a booth, then went to Isabella
Sasha sent weekly text, “hi babe, big meal at X before we go out , gonna be sick, roll through”
Party promoter, free meal
Free trip to Coachella with place to stay
Thought if she went with friend could just ignore guys
15 on party bus with Sasha with alcohol and loud music
Eventually girls tired out on phones
Sasha tried to keep everyone awake and suggested they go for night swim
Massive house, a few got bikini and got in and she did
Guy was like a prince looking for threesome with some model
She got in bikini and prince asked what she wanted to changed - Met guy with bunny ears and his self deprecating made her feel less afraid
Told story of girl who woke up put in makeup and did hair before getting back in bed with him
Sasha appeared when they went into room
Knocked and told they to rouse, they didn’t
Kim who greeted Sasha a lot,went in black skimpy bikini and said juzzaci time
This was no free ride
Super Bowl
After party, needed to go right
VS Model drank shot with him and tossed drink, then grinder on him
To her was opportunity
She ignored task to entertain, but overtime she found it harder to see distinction - Many models married rich and got success
That vs model married tech giant
After marriage, women celebrated by ones liked by powerful men - Wasn’t she making money from rich men and posing next to them, how was it so different
JLo stole billions from Malaysian government and unfound
That vs model had to give 8M of gifts back, except one grand piano that was so big it was left in her house because too expensive to remove

buying myself back

Was being sued because a paparazzi took a photo of her and she posted it - Was more used to seeing paparazzi photos than herself in a mirror
She studied art at UCLA
Some big artist took her Instagram photo and captioned it or something
Bf wanted to buy it for 80k, but her own Instagram photo back
Image was hanging behind his couch
She bought one print of her body paint and split the cost with her boyfriend
When they split up, Boyf wanted 10k for it
Ex had countless naked pics on her phone if 3 years
Her names was on fappening
You thought you were a mine but your a body
Lost 10 pounds, something intimate and out of love and trust
She wired money to boyf for prints to trade for it
Unpaid editorial when you just get exposure
Woodstock would take photos and stay at his house
Lingerine on the table, didn’t know it was that but she had done that
Showed nudes of a gir that tried to look strong, but she thought she looked scared
Important to earn reputation as hard working and easy going
She explained she just wanted money then go back to school during 07
He I just dismissed you spent too much on shoes and bags and she doubted herself
“Let’s try naked now”
Had done that a few times before by men
Her body was a superpower so many compliments
“I thought you were big boned”, he said with a smile. nah I’m tiny. That one shoot was when she was younger and didn’t care as much about not being fat :((. She hated those photos now
She kept drinking wine and wine and wine, she was easygoing as it went into the night
Then she was on his couch laying against him taking about her ex
Then just remember his fingers inside her so hard like no one has ever done . Really hurt and pulled his fingers out
He scurried away
She went to sleep in one of the rooms
Then she realized he had never been paid for fare
Tasteful edit
New book being sold with her name on it
Heard about it when journalist contacted her to promote it
After she was famous, Johnathan sold some of the most revealing and vulgar even on Instagram
Some of the most comprising and sexual photos as she was being told not be sexy to be taken seriously as actor
Cease and desist, even agent didn’t sign release
8k to fight it, but justice was expensive
Lawyer told her it would be fruitless to fight as internet is internet and se would just get part of profit
Book very successful with multiple prints
She spoke out against it but many comments said she just wanted attention and took nude photos didn’t she
And her speech really did seem to just give him more attention
Johnathan responded to these allegations saying they were childish and would people believe the nude model dancing around in that thicke video
One interview Johnathan said she was smart and one of the most comfortable naked
Eventually Johnathan will run out of Polaroids, and Emily will be the real Emily who owns the high art emily(tears)

Pamela

S shared location too early
Party
Got a bow on panties cuz my ass is a present
Better to be eye candy than invisible
Never liked how guys found way to touch her when they took pictures with her
Her philosophy was saying no just made the interaction longer
S before they even started dating told guy no touching and he listened
She liked tha, it was nice
S was now “successful” producer
She told people she was writing a book
I am the problem, she thought. As she cried because she was compared to Pamela Anderson. It all would have been ok if I wasn’t ther

men like you

NFt email, she was described as doing the bottom of barrel e-commerce but smart and looking scruffy . Somehow they started talking
He was 50 and she knew how to impress men like him. - men never notice the overcalculating that women do, they just think things happen for some reason as women dance elaborate to make things happen #status
Mere mention of film was enough to be smart
I bet there were many women you discounted because you thought they were just bodies, I bet they were all smarter than you
You couldn’t know how deeply satisfied I was when you asked me to strip and put on clothes
She came out of bathroom topless unashamed straight up, proudly could intimated you and change dynamic but no
You were impressed, “Jesus Christ” where were you hiding all of that and lead you topless to photographer
Once a famous musician lead 20 models without their phone to wait for him until like 5 to part
One day they will feel small, teasing self worth for value system
Famous man flew her out for job opportunity
On screen two couples fucking and pointed at himself in video
She talked about art and music and connected
Played video of her naked body
Hugged her and kissed her neck and she said he had a boyfriend and pushed away
Powerful man kept calling thought with clear boundaries she could make money but wasn’t in it
1913 Audrey, muse as sculpture, suicide at age of 40 , lived in psychotic hospital. Line wall of museums
What was their lives and names
Steve, I should be grateful you looked at me twice
Hated myself for trying to impress you
Trying to make me calendar and find 15 Emily and shot of women coming to be judged as if your fuckable
I’m gone girl, David Fincher wanted to cast someone men lived but women hated and she did it
She was topless in it
Stylist said she should stop doing nude
Steve after sponsor party, felt party was for her. Hugged him and French kissed her and had blown up nude sold.
Laughter as I knew I had you s as my friend called for me to leave
Friend yanked her away, you don’t want to do that
truth no interest, I just liked the way you made me feel
I could have surrendered my body to you
Steve one pointed to topless model and said I fucked her
Eye level of v with 12 models blown up
Charge 3.99 to watch video of Emily’s shoots
Silence we mistook for consent

Releases

No one wants to be angry women a witch
Therapy asks how do you release anger, “I don’t”
She tries to turn angry into something sexy and spunky
Women are more likely to cry from anger, prob from shame
She feels so judged and thinks of how stupid she looks and feels throwing water balloons at wall with anger
But she is angry
Describes giving birth
She heard orgasms bran waves is similar to diliating
Her body is doing well enough